2015 is fairly new. We’re not even 2 months into yet and I’m already done. One of my mental “new years resolutions” was that 2015 was going to be a more: organized year, a year I was in control of, and just all around happy. I was going to be emotionally stable, I guess you could say.
– I feel like I’ve never been more un-organized. Whether it be with school, moving, or even silly things like my wardrobe.
– I haven’t been as in control as I thought I would be. I don’t know as much as I’d like about where we’re moving, what I’m taking, what I’m not, what I need, etc.
– I’m trying to finish school 2 months before I’m usually done so we don’t have to bring loads of curriculum over that we only need for several weeks. And I already struggled with finishing by our original deadline.
– One of my subjects in school is “One Year Adventure Novel.” It walks you through the process of writing a novel for the first half of the year, and then in the second half of the year you write the book. I was so excited to start writing it, but it’s a little harder than I thought it would be.
But through this I’ve been learning that what we have planned for ourselves isn’t always the road we’re supposed to take. Sometimes the messy and scattered looking path is what’s best for us at that time.
After all of the above had somewhat died down, a very obvious fact hit me upside my head. “I’m growing up.”
When you’re little all you can think about is when you grow up. What job you’re going to have ( I wanted to be a librarian until I found there was math involved), if you’ll get married, and the list goes on. But now that I’m going to be considered an “adult” in about 2 years, I don’t like growing up so much. I want to build blanket forts, blast my music, eat food, and hide from the world. I don’t want to have responsibilities, I don’t want to get a job, I don’t want to worry if I’m doing this thing called Life right or wrong.
But I read a quote recently that made me think better of all this. “Confused? Unsure what to do? Wow. Sounds like you’re human. Good luck.”
I went to a memorial a few days ago. I didn’t personally know the woman, but she was my friend’s sister in law, and I was there to help serve food, and to just be there for support. I didn’t get to sit in for the service, but I overheard a few bits and pieces that physically made my heart ache.
I was standing there after the service watching the food tables to make sure they stayed replenished when I realized something. There were over 100 people there easily. So many people from so many professions who had known the woman or her husband had shown up, so many family members, friends, etc. And I couldn’t believe that everyone there was there because of one girl. They were all there for because of one single, solitary person. It blew my mind.
Thought this may have been the biggest, it certainly wasn’t the first unexpected or emotionally scarring thing that’s happened in the last few months. My friends and I have been joking back and forth that 2015 needs to get itself together pretty soon here because we’re not sure if we can take anymore. I know for a fact we’re not entirely joking. One more subject that I’m going to vent on, and then we’ll be done. Lately as I’ve been prepping for the move – which is approaching far to quickly for my taste – I’ve been thinking. I’ve been hearing stories of others who have moved. I’ve had a lot of questions asked of me. And they’ve all made me worry a bit. Now, every day for me is different. Some days I’m so excited and pumped to go, other days I’m terribly sad and heartbroken, while others I don’t even want to talk about it. Some days though, when my emotions are really out of whack, I’m scared. Not about the fact that I’ve never been on a plane, or not knowing the language, but about who I’m leaving behind.
I honestly can’t see it happening, but it’s just a little tickle in the back of my head that pops up every so often. I don’t want to lose my friends. I don’t want to lose the amazing relationships I have with every single one of them.
But as I type this out, I’m not as worried about it as I used to be. I think writing it out has helped me think about it. We’re to close for that. We’ve come to far. Heck, some of them know wayyyy to much about me to ever let go of. 😉 The more I think of it, the more I push the silly fears back. The more I laugh at myself. I have people here who love me. And I have people here I love. Nothing can change that.
I’m sorry for the venting. I promise the next post will be a happy one. 🙂
-Thought by Thought