Sometimes it’s just a wisp. Hardly there, hardly noticeable.
Other times it’s like being hit in the chest by a ton of bricks.
Your brain has fireworks going off but not the pretty ones.
All of a sudden it feels as if you’re surrounded by smoke.
You try to catch your breath but your lungs decide to stop working.
Hands are clammy and you can’t stop twisting them together.
You swear your heart is going to burst out of your chest if it pounds any faster.
Dread worms it’s way into your brain, shoving all logic and rational thinking into the far back depths of the mind.
It sits like a ball of lead in your stomach.
Other times you’re fine.
You’re laughing without a care in the world, completely at ease.
The next second you’re suffocating.
You need an escape and you don’t have one.
Whispers swirl in your mind convincing you that you’re trapped.
Logic tries to kick in but the whispers are too strong.
You snap when you don’t mean too.
And then you remember and regret that moment for the rest of your life.
Sometimes it just gets to be too much, it floods over and makes you think and say things you never would otherwise.
You say yes to things without even consulting your brain.
And then you can’t even find the nerve to say no.
You just follow whatever your heart feels in that exact moment.
You regret that for years to come too.
It’s that feeling that everyone’s looking at you.
But not just looking, judging.
It’s that thought that maybe they only talk to you because they’re being nice.
That they don’t really want to be around you.
It’s that feeling when you want to be anywhere but where you are.
This is what no one understands.
They don’t know what it feels like to be drowning in an ocean of small talk.
Or what it’s like to be thrown headfirst into self doubt.
Because on the outside you don’t look like something is wrong.
When on the inside your brain is imploding and your heart is so conflicted it doesn’t know what to do.
“You just have to get over it” They’ll say.
“Once you get out of your comfort zone you’ll be fine!” They promise.
“Aren’t you a little old to still be this shy?” They ask, skeptical.
“You make it sound like you’re seriously not okay.” They say with doubt.
And that’s another thing they don’t get.
Yes, anxiety, panic attacks, and social anxiety sucks.
Yes we wish we could do things without overthinking and freaking out.
But we’ve all got different solutions.
For some it’s that favorite sweater that feels like a hug of comfort.
Some reach for books, stories, other worlds they can escape into.
Others pop their earbuds in and listen to that band that tells them they’re beautiful.
While still others turn to internet friends. The ones who vlog their day and make them laugh even when they’re crying.
Welcome to life with ANXIETY,
with the FEAR OF TALKING TO PEOPLE,
going to SOCIAL EVENTS,
just getting OUT OF BED,
and CONSTANTLY wondering if you’re ANNOYING THAT PERSON.
*sarcastic thumbs up*
Sometimes you just gotta lie on the floor.
Sometimes you have to hide under a blanket.
Sometimes you gotta make that tea and watch that movie.
Sometimes you lock yourself in your room so you can lock the world out for a bit.
Nobody’s judging you for it though.
How do I know that?
Because unless you’ve told those people that you’re anxious?
They have no idea.
So next time you have to weave your way through an ocean of faces.
Or make a telephone call you really don’t want to.
Put on your power outfit and your favorite socks.
Glide on your favorite lipstick and smile.
You got this.
And I salute you!
Anxious buddies unite!
P.S. I thought you’d like to know I’ve written this entire post under a blanket, with my favorite socks on, earbuds in, my sweater that is literally a hug and I’m about to head off to watch a vlog. 🙂