the end of a chapter

I’ve tried more times than I’d like to admit to convey in words and photos and anything else I can possibly think of what it was like to sell our home and majority of our belongings, say goodbye to family and friends, and move across the world.

I’ve failed every time.

Because there aren’t enough words and aren’t real enough pictures or videos that can share the emotions and everything it drained me of. Sure words are descriptive and we read books that paint pictures in our heads and make us feel things. But this is something you can’t share like that.

This has been a long process. A crazy process. And it’s not over. But it’s changing.

To put it bluntly, we’re moving back to the United States of America. We’re moving back. I’ve started packing my room up, knowing if I ever come back to China it’ll probably just be to visit one day.

I’m freaking out and screaming internally a little overwhelmed.

I never thought moving back to the U.S. would be so daunting. I never thought it would be something to keep me awake or cause tears to roll down my face as I think of everything it entails. Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited. I finally have time to get my license, I can eat Mexican Food whenever I want and can take a shower without mopping the floor or worrying about if the water is warm enough or even running. I won’t have to climb 6 flights in the below freezing weather and horrible air quality while carrying groceries.

But I have to go back. For good. And no matter how good it sounds, no matter how many jokes we make about wanting to go back, it doesn’t always mean we want to. It doesn’t always mean I want to.

We came here to China for a very specific reason. I can give you a list of people who will say that is false but I’m telling you it’s not. We sold our house for a reason, we gave up almost everything for a reason. We kept going even though some told us it was wrong.

Yet through that there were so many other people who also love and care for us. They encouraged us to go, they cried with us and they laughed with us. We got to share our adventures with them and they got to be a part of it all.

It’s been the wildest adventure. I never in a million years thought this would be normal for me. Never.

Packing up your home and belongings and selling majority of them was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. It was the beginning of this crazy journey. Now that this chapter is closing I find myself right back at the beginning again. Having to pack up my home, my room. Leaving a lot of it behind or giving it away. And crying a bit because I’m leaving friends here. I’m leaving a life here, something no one will ever  really understand.

I’m going back to people who will welcome us with open arms and cry with us because they know it was hard. They’ll ask questions and laugh at our stories because they know it’s going to be hard to let this door close.

I’m also going back to questions about what we’re doing next and things that are just too hard to understand unless you’ve lived it. But I’m ready this time.

So yes. A chapter is closing. But the story is so far from over. If you had told me 3 years ago that I would be living in China one day I would have laughed. Really hard. Because introvert, anxious little old me does not take 12 hour flights casually. I’m a home comfort kinda girl and using a cardboard box as a shelf/bookcase and everything else that comes with China is the exact opposite of that. And yet here I am, sad that I have to leave it all.

It’s gonna be hard. And I know that sounds dramatic. “It’s going to be so hard to move back to the conveniences of America, however will we survive?” But it’s going to be hard and it’s okay if you don’t believe me.

I didn’t believe we were going to actually move to China. And now look at me. It just takes some time and the right perspective.

But hey, now we can go back to what it was like at the beginning of this blog. Posts about emptying dressers and trying to shove books in anywhere they’ll fit because I’d sooner give up an outfit rather than a book.

It’s just another part of this crazy adventure.

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