|Rambling Thoughts | & |Odd Journal Entries|

{1.} I like things that are constant. There’s something comforting and safe about the idea of constant that I crave. A song that no matter how many times you listen, will always have a guitar strum two minutes in. The color of a person’s eyes, the little flecks of gold mixed with green that shine again and again when the sun hits them just right.
Every night I walk home from dinner, just a short two minute walk. I look up at the sky, whether I’m alone or not. Because it’s different every single time. Yet it’s consistent in the sense that it will always be changing. It makes me strangely happy to be accompanied each and every night by a constantly changing array of colors and clouds. And occasionally a few stars or raindrops.
Who knew a never-ending sky that leads to the never-ending space could be calming.

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{2.} I went to a few Summer and Winter Camps a handful of years ago, to the same site each time. And every year, I would sit on one of the logs around the fire pit, with the flames as our only source of light.
One night my eyes wandered off to the side, and across the street up on a hill I saw a warm light emitting from what looked like nothing but darkness. Every year I would sit there and my eyes would wander to the that same light that shone through the 10 o’clock darkness.
At our last “home”, if you looked over our fence you would see distant hills covered in trees. As the sun would set and the light would fade, you’d see little dots appear one by one. We used to scream, “The beacons of Gondor have been lit! Gondor calls for aid! And Rohan shall answer!” at each other when we saw it and we thought we were pretty hysterical. (that’s a lord of the ring reference for those who have yet to watch one of the best movie trilogies out there)
I always found it comforting. And not just in the idea of “a light in the darkness”, but that in the pitch black there was a home. Cozy and full of light, full of people who are too busy laughing or watching a movie to even think about the lack of warmth outside of their cocoon of happiness.
It’s a weird thing to notice. A weird thing to remember after all these years. But it always made me happy. 😊

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{3.} The other night I sat on the back porch. The sky was three colors at once, the water was a steady rhythm of repeated rippling, and the air was cold. It bit at my wrists, my neck, and my ankles. My nose was red but I sat there despite it.
My brain was running one hundred miles a second, so fast that I didn’t even try to keep up with it anymore. I let it run while I watched the sky and how pretty the water was when hit by the last glimmers of sunlight.
I studied the hill just behind that reminds me of Lord of the Rings. Funny how something as simple as a foreign hill can remind of us such silly yet comforting things.
Sometimes it’s good to take a break. Even if it’s only for a few minutes while the sun leaves us at the end of the day.

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{4.} It’s strange to see blinking lights flying overhead. They make my heart ache if I’m being completely honest. Part of me wishes I was in the plane, flying somewhere new, or back to a home.
I watch them fly overhead, full of people off on an adventure, knowing I could easily have been one of the passengers just a year ago. Maybe I was flying over this house that I’m calling home right now, completely oblivious to it’s existence. Yet now instead of sitting in a seat watching a safety instructional video in another language, I’m walking down a street at this place I’m calling home for a few months.


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{5.} Goals are something I’ve found keep me going. No matter how small or big they are, if I have a goal to reach, a milestone even, I find I can get through the week with ease. One time it was a concert. And for ten months whenever I woke up and didn’t want to get out of bed, I was able to. Because I told myself if I got up, lived the day, I’d be one day closer to the best night of my life. (which it totally was)
Now, I’ve been counting down the days until March 13th. A certain plane from Georgia is landing that afternoon, and it’s going to have a very special passenger on board. I refuse to think about having to say goodbye, to seeing her put back on the plane again. But as much as I hate goodbyes, it makes hello that much more special. And I can’t wait for this hello. ☺️ Well … I have waited for this hello actually. For a little over two years.

Four more days until my already favorite week of 2018. ❤️

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{6.} I’m not good at talking to people. If I sit myself down to a blank page I’ll more than likely be able to express myself within the hour. But when I’m sat face to face with a human it takes just about everything in me to not analyze every flicker of the eye, every laugh, every word. Then soon enough, I’m overthinking every one of my actions because I assume they’re analyzing me like I am them. And around then is when I panic and come up with a lame excuse and exit as gracefully as I can, which isn’t very graceful in the slightest.
When it’s people I already know, those who have gotten past my awkwardness and made me forget to analyze or overthink, I’m a lot better. I laugh too loud, I talk too fast and for too long, and we both laugh a lot. Because they know I’m weird. They know how I am and they’ve stuck around this long so I figure I can’t scare them off as easily.
When it’s new humans, faces that aren’t familiar and voices that aren’t engrained into my brain, I panic. I’m not sure how much weird they can take. I’m not sure how much they really want to know when they ask, “How was your day?” or “How are you?” Do you want to know that I laughed at a stupid pun on Pinterest for a solid 5 minutes? Do you want me to say “Good! How was yours?” Or do you want me to tell you that I’m actually having a pretty bad day, and here’s a list of reasons why.
I’m aware I sound paranoid.
Ignore me. 🙃
I think maybe a big part of it is that I live with myself, so I know how odd I am. And why would anyone want to get to know a weirdo like me? (doesn’t mean i’ll ever stop being one fyi)

you and me both mr. darcy, you and me both


Anyways, that’s all I’ve got.
Just another long winded, ramble-y vent via sentences from strange days.

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3 thoughts on “|Rambling Thoughts | & |Odd Journal Entries|

  1. Madi, Madi, Madi. You are not so weird as you think. Unless of course I am just as weird and have no perspective on the matter. But I truly believe you put into words what so many think, and your meanderings of that mind of yours are entertaining and never cease to bring a smile to my face. The world can begin to look a bit uncolorful, so that you for ‘enhancing’ it! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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