I Don’t Know What’s Happening

Yep. Still got no clue. 

I’ve been working part time and that’s gotten c r a z y. Management is just a little not too sure what they’re doing and I’m honestly surprised they are somehow still able to have our store open. ANYWAYS. Hours have been choppy and there isn’t room to grow or climb any sort of ladder really…I’m sure I won’t be there forever. 

But that leaves the question of “Where will you work now?” I have no idea. Do I want to continue to work in retail? Yes, retail sucks mainly due to the customers you have to deal with on a daily basis, but I don’t hate it as much as I thought I would. For someone who hates confrontation and approaching people, I seem to do okay when people come to me for help. They walked into the store for a reason. Either they just want to browse or they want something specific. I can give them what they want, I just can’t lure people in and talk them into buying things.
I’ve also gotten better at saying no, which is lovely. People say “the customer is always right” but honestly? Nah. I’ve had to say no to plenty of faces and more than half of those faces get angry and demand to speak to the manager. But it doesn’t shake me up as much as it used to. I’m growing slowly but surely. 

For years I’ve always loved the idea of some form of secretarial work. And I don’t think I’d be opposed to it now, I just get terrified and anxious and tend to freeze up at the thought of having to be a “real” secretary. Setting up meetings, and taking notes and all of that. I’m not good at it. I can organize papers and heck I can even answer a phone call. But please don’t make me herd humans and tell them what to do and where to go. Because I really really really can’t be in charge to any extent. It feels wrong and I feel awful telling people what to do. 

—– stuff that’s coming up —–

I’m flying to Georgia 3 weeks from today actually! Yay. Some of you might remember a post from March last year where my friend that I met online, came to Cali and we finally got to meet face to face. I’m so so stoked to see her again and I can’t wait for all of the tea we’ll drink, and all of the shenanigans we’ll get up to. So I get to fly out and see her this time, finally have some Jittery Joe’s (her fav coffee shop) and check visiting Georgia off my bucket list. 

Alsooooo. I turn 21 a few days before my flight. Which is crazy. Honestly thought life would be different at 21, but also I was never sure what life would like when I got here. I can’t see into the future (shocker) and while there are some people out there who have 3-10 year plans… I am not one of those humans. I don’t have a plan, I can’t afford to live in California, I don’t know what is happening or what I’m doing.
21 is a huge deal to almost everyone it seems. But I’m kind of… not into it? I don’t know. I’ve never wanted to drink any form of alcohol. Wine smells too much, and I had a sip of beer at a Chinese wedding that was absolutely disgusting. So no thanks.
That being said, I would like a sip of pink champagne one day. I can’t stand carbonated drinks like soda, so I know I probably won’t like it, but I grew up watching Cary Grant movies. And ‘An Affair to Remember’ is one of my all time favs, which featured the drink ‘pink champagne’ and made me want at least a sip.

—- ‘what is life’ & ‘what is life living as a christian’ —– 

It’s an odd place to be. Here. Wherever here is. I know 98% of my posts have the same message in them, but it’s true. Living this life has been …. different. It’s not normal. Nothing about it has been normal. Not even close. Moving from home to home, country to country. 

There’s a story from the Bible that’s become such a black and white representation of our lives that I fall back on constantly. Noah’s Ark.

God tells Noah to build a boat. Huge. Gigantic. Right in the middle of dry land. Now I’m positive that Noah must have been (at least a tiny little bit) wondering if he had lost his mind. Asking himself if he was sure that God was the one asking him to do this. But he knew it was God. His sons, his wife and his son’s wives helped him and they began building. Noah’s neighbors and friends were skeptical. It looked so ridiculous, looked so insane that they laughed and mocked Noah when he kept at it. They questioned why he would waste so much time and money on a boat so big when there was no water around? And water falling from the sky? Ha, yeah that’s totalllllyyyyy gonna happen. 

Then, the day came. All the animals that God had commanded to be on the ark were, as were Noah and his immediate family. The door shut, and water started to fall from the sky. 

When we first left for China, this had been taught at church a few weeks prior and to me it was just another way of God saying “See? You’re supposed to go.” 

Now there was a time when I doubted that story and the fact that God had used it to tell me to go, because the people who read that story to me became the people who laughed and mocked me. It was hard because I was told that God would call you to do crazy things for him, but that you were to do it despite the mocking and laughter. And then the exact people that told me this, were the ones laughing and mocking. It shook me for a good while to say the least. 

And me personally, as a family even, we can talk about China all we want, we can use it as an example all we want. Because it’s the easiest example. But truthfully, it’s been our entire lives that have been like this. Ever since I was little our life has been like this.
My dad quit his job to preach in the park to the homeless. We didn’t have an income and yet our house was paid for every month, the cars were full of gas, and there was food on the table. One of my younger brothers woke up one morning during that period, wanting cereal. We didn’t have milk so he went outside and rode his tricycle, and started talking to God, asking for milk.
A few minutes later the doorbell rang and a couple we knew through church were standing at the door with crates (and a truck) full of milk. In every flavor and size imaginable. 

This has been happening our. entire. lives.

This house we’re in right now? The one two minutes away from two of my bestest friends? The one someone gave us? It’s not our forever home. We were promised it through the holidays and we’re so beyond thankful to have it. Will we ever have a home that will be ours for good? Maybe. Hopefully. That would be amazing. But for now it seems that God has other plans. So we’ll continue to jump from place to place until he settles us again. 

So many people look at us and think a wide range of things. Whether they’re christians or not. They think what we’re doing is crazy (we agree). They say we’re strong, that living this way has ruined us kids, that it’s incredible to watch, that we inspire others, that we’re reckless. It’s a mix, a wide range like I said. 

Yes it’s hard. But it’s what we’ve been called to do. Living life as a christian isn’t supposed to be easy. If it’s easy you’re doing something wrong. If you’re not faced with challenges and hardships, you’re doing it wrong. 

I almost feel like living within a church, living day to day life, allows you to become so caught up in how the world lives. Until a handful of years pass and one day you find yourself worrying about the money in the bank, what model car you have, you’re stressed because attendance numbers dropped at church last week, your dating life takes over, etc. Any number of things. 

And we forget that as christians we’re supposed to be living by faith. We’re supposed to find ourselves in the darkest trouble, faced with a wall we could never climb. But then we look to God and somehow the wall is now easy to climb. You’ll still get bruises and your muscles will be tired and heck, you may even breakdown crying at how painful it is to climb a wall that you don’t understand why you had to climb it in the first place. Couldn’t you have just gone around it?
But God is there if you let him, and he helps you climb. And when you get to the top, you understand why you had to climb. 

Yet there are so many who worry themselves to death about their job, their career, how much they make a year, can they afford this, can they do that, what do others think of them, how accomplished can they become, how powerful can they get, how good can they look to others. How well can they do in life? 

Call me crazy, but I really don’t think God’s going to care too much about how much money you made. Or how many people attended the same church as you.
I think he’s going to care more about the people you befriended, the ones you talked to about him. He’s going to care more about the walls you climbed then the file of numbers you present him. 

I’m not saying that everyone has to have a crazy life, living life on the edge, broke and traveling to all the countries. No, I’m saying that maybe God will ask you to move across the world. Or maybe he’ll ask you to work at that place down the street so you can talk to that one customer. I don’t know. And you don’t know. God does though. He’s really good at that. 

—– in summary —–

Basically I’m at an ‘I Don’t Know’ place. And for all the times it makes me freeze up and want to just bury myself under all the blankets I own, it also makes me want to go write a book, start a bomb site, and do whatever the heck God has for me. 

It’s hard to want so many different things. I see friends married, friends at college, people who post a picture on social media and make money from it (there’s more to social media jobs i know, just an example) and it’s so easy to get caught up in wanting all of that. And it’s fine to want those things. It’s just realizing that your life isn’t your own that’s priority. Yes, you can live your life and do you. Dye your hair, eat ice cream and cover your room in twinkle lights. Get that job and live your dream life. 

Just keep your eyes and ears open to what God says. Because he might see your college degree and say “Great job! Okay, so now we’re going to Antartica.” And you’ve got to be ready to go and know you maybe won’t use your degree. 

Life is a funny thing. Lots of different ways to look at it, lots of different opinions, and it’s something I’m sure we all could talk about for hours and hours. 

But God.
That’s what changes things.
Puts a different spin on it all.
Or at least, it should. 
Take a few steps back and check your hands.
Are they soft from counting numbers and keeping tally,
or are they calloused and bruised from climbing walls?

—– the end of this week’s rant —–




you made it to the end.
thanks for reading the waterfall of thoughts.
i appreciate it.

i hope you have a fabbb weekend.
and i’ll be back soon(ish)

thanks again for reading,

2 thoughts on “I Don’t Know What’s Happening

    1. Madi, thank you for sharing your life and thoughts! I love your family and I see God using you all for His glory in this crazy, fallen world! God chose your family to be examples who live Jesus’s command to “take up your cross and follow Me”! You all live to “die to self” and are absolutely surrendered to Him! You, Madi, have been gifted by God to write. Don’t ever stop!
      Love and hugs to you and your family!

      Liked by 1 person

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