Yep, still alive, it me.
If you were to ask where I’ve been, or what I’ve been doing these past couple of days, weeks, I would most likely stare at you blankly. I might shrug, an eye may or may not twitch. And then we’d both move on with a nervous laugh.
I don’t know what I’ve done or where I’ve been, but I know I’m tired.
You may or may not have noticed that this site has changed a little (a lot) and guess what? It’s going to keep changing. Little bits here and there. I’ve been slowly but surely working on a new look, a new site address (it’s just madeerosee.com now) which is A RELIEF and a half because wow I was very much over the mouthful that was ‘welcometothecray.wordpress.com’. Which is the last time we will talk about that, cool? Cool.
So yes, logos are being made, designs are being picked, and I wish I could say I’ve been writing like a madwoman, queueing up so much content … but I haven’t been.
It’s been really hard to get myself to write about anything recently, but occasionally I’ve forced myself to sit down and just make words come out. Half the time they don’t make sense, the other half of the time I get carried away and write too much. But when I go back and dig through the mess, I find a few golden bits I think I can turn into something worthwhile. Eventually.
BUT. September is upon us, which means we are fast approaching my most cherished and favorite time of year. Autumn and CHRISTMAS. Now, in Southern California, cool autumn nights aren’t really a thing until late October if we’re lucky. But if you know me, then you know that that will not (and never has) stop me from wearing sweaters and sipping chai lattes (pumpkin spiced obvsss) right through the heat.
I’ve gotten very good at ignoring the people in shorts and t-shirts around me while I pray that I can survive the walk from my air conditioned car to the air conditioned store without getting heatstroke.
I honestly find I lose most, if not all, of my motivation during the Summer months. There’s something about the heat, and the fact that I can’t wear a hoodie without literally roasting that just…zaps everything out of me.
So when this time of year rolls around, the nights come quicker, candles are lit, the air gets a bit crisper…ugh it makes my heart so so happy. Not to say I don’t still struggle with motivation, but a million ideas come into my head, and I have so many plans and things I want to write and post about. There’s something about this time of year that puts me “in my prime” I honestly peak and the Madi you see from April to August is a lie. I don’t know who she is.
It’s just a matter of actually sitting down and fully committing to those ideas and projects that tends to be my problem.
Life has kind of been at an odd standstill for the past few months. But more so in the past couple of weeks. It’s really a not so great feeling place to be. Not knowing when or where to make the next move.
I’ve had a growing list of Blog Post ideas, and while my “book” of sorts is very much so on hold, I have been tweaking bits here and there, editing, and trying to write for that in general. At some point I would like to share a little “sneak peek” of what I’ve been writing, I haven’t shared much other than “blog” content here so, if you’re interested in what my writings consist of, that should be coming soon-ish.
Like I said, I haven’t been up to much, and the little I have been up to … I’m not entirely sure what that would be. This season has been a very big, very long, blur.
So, I thought I would just share a few things I’ve been loving at the moment. Some things that are getting me through this limbo season of life:
Pinterest – I am OBSESSED. And I always will be with Pinterest. I’ve found over the years that whenever I’m stressed or feeling sad, I tend to go crazy on this site. It’s an easy way to feel in control and a way to plan your dream home or wardrobe without actually spending thousands of dollars. But I also use it to save quotes, things that make me laugh… it’s basically just a dump site for all of my happy and favorite things. If you want to know a little about me deffo check out my Pinterest. #selfpromowho?
Criminal Minds – I love a good binge worthy show, I love crime and mystery. Put the two together and you get fifteen seasons of the BAU (Behavioral Analysis Unit) branch of the FBI solving case after case. A friend told me to give it a try, and one episode later I was done for. It definitely has it’s dark moments. As you can probably imagine working within the FBI it’s very much not all sunshine and rainbows. Though I will say this show has some of the sweetest moments to soften the bad now and then.
I am both proud and slightly ashamed to say I have just finished season twelve (I KNOW) and wow. I one hundred percent plan on rewatching this show through again. (and again maybe).
Writing Letters – A lot of people can’t be bothered to handwrite letters anymore, which in a sad way, I guess I get that. But at the same time, who doesn’t love getting something in the mail? No matter how old you are, getting an envelope in the mail with doodles on the outside of it, a letter written in colored pens, maybe a bag of tea or a handwritten playlist tucked inside… it’s just one of the best feelings.
I’ve been writing letters to friends off and on, I love to add little bits and details to them. Then I got sucked down the blackhole that is ‘pen pal with me’ videos on YouTube. It’s a whole new world that brings writing simple letters up about a hundred levels and I’m low-key excited to up my letter game asap.
Music Music Music – If you’ve followed this site for a little while now, you’ll know I have a deep rooted obsession with music. I’ve always got a playlist on, whether it’s to help me tune out the noises going on around me, or if it’s something to sing along to in the car… No matter the occasion I’ve got a playlist for it.
But recently I’ve been obsessing with music all over again. Twenty One Pilots (the first band I properly fell in love with), newer loves like AJR and Tessa Violet … I’m just supa obsessed as of late and I’m totally cool with it. There’s just really nothing that can beat a lyric that takes your breath away, a key change that takes control of your body, and just the powerful magic that comes with songs that make you feel emotions you can’t find words for.
Who would’ve thought that a crime show and the dwindling art of writing letters would be a happy place for me. I really do look forward to an episode every night I can squeeze one (or two) in. There’s something comforting about the familiarity of it in an odd way…judge me all you want.
It’s times like these, when you find yourself longing for the past, for moments in which you had security in the future, in the present. In these times I find myself grasping at any and everything that promises surety. Anything that will stay and be predictable in the best meaning of the word.
One of those things is a tv show. I definitely have days where the only thing I can count on is that I will watch an episode at the end of the day, and that they will catch the bad guys.
Another is music. Songs that I know exactly when the beat will drop, the amount of times a phrase is repeated, the hard to hear at first background vocals, hidden details that make you appreciate it and it’s calming pattern.
I’m an odd soul I’ve been told, and I’m coming to see that I really am. But I don’t really care anymore. To be perfectly honest I’m just happy to have these things that I can rely on. Music doesn’t always leave me happy, (neither does criminal minds for that matter!!) but it’s a constant crutch that will always always be there.
Tyler Joseph (lead singer of Twenty One Pilots, my favorite band, the artist I will never ever shut up about ever ever) said this once about their music and their concerts. It completely changed the way I look at music. It tweaked my vision a bit and it’s a huge part of why I am now concert obsessed. (also i’m seeing them in concert this novemberrrr for the third time. i’m so pumped)
Why are our songs so dark but our shows a celebration? Because our songs are to help you get through those dark times and our shows are a celebration of you making it through another day. Our shows are celebrating the fact that you’re not alone.Tyler Joseph (Twenty One Pilots)
So let’s celebrate.
That’s pretty much all I’ve got for ya today. I just thought I would pop in and give a little update. In this season of feeling like I’m floating my way through life, unsure of where to go or what to do, it’s nice sometimes to just write it all out.
(also enjoy some quotes i’ve been lovin’ recently) :